Part 4

Don't even know why I bother. <>

Everyone abandoned me, no Judas, no King, no hot Princess! What makes it even more insulting is that somehow, the Princess got out of her cage without my help. Why did I even go through all that trouble of killing that rosefaced motherfucker if it wasn't going to benefit her (and by extension me )?

Wait, what's this?

Guess who got her phone number?

I wonder where she went? Chances are, she's not that fat slob's daughter, so I guess she has a kingdom elsewhere. Time for some exploring? I think so.

Further up in this dungeon, behind the cell where I picked up her digits, there's some dude trapped between a bunch of breakable rocks. That's pretty uncool, so hey, I figure it's my job to get him out!

: sup
: ...

: Whoa, man, I don't swing that way.
: ...

: HEY GET THE FUCK BACK, YOU SON OF A BITCH
: ...
: Ok, you stupid dick, you leave me no choice.

Hey, fella, you have a little something on your face. Oh that's right, it's the floor.

For some reason, he dropped a boss sequin, but it doesn't give me a level up. Rather, it just boosts my stats a little, and makes me feel better for having just slaughtered what may have been a mentally retarded cobbler. vv

I continue down the stairs and into what appears to be another metallic dungeon. This one is much more claustrophobic than the others, and much of it is a small maze in which the goal is simply not to let any Will 'o'the Wisps to emerge. The difficulty is that the walls are unshootable, so all of the enemy-spawning clits have to be found and destroyed the hard way.

I pay no heed to the "DO NOT TEASE ZOMBIES" sign and sit in the middle of the cold, hard floor eating my picnic lunch. They really seemed to respond to the fried chicken, but got pretty pissed when I just laughed at them for being all locked in behind that wall.

Of course, the tables turn when the dungeon starts throwing tons of rock-pushing puzzles my way. Thanks, Dungeon Explorer. NOW you let me push rocks.

Ooooo, purple versions of those earlier gremlin sumbitches. They're really not all that threatening, it just takes more hits to kill them. That green thing in the corner is a Seed of Life item, and if you've lost any of your 5 lives (shared between all players), it'll redeem one. Unfortunately, I haven't died once ( ) so it's useless to me. Part of me is tempted to die on purpose just so I'll have a reason to pick it up. The rest of me realizes that's a retarded idea and thoughtlessly blames the rest of you ( if you're out there ) for being a bad influence. For shame. <>

Ahhhh, more rocks!

This time, though, I'm not pushing them, they're being fired out of holes at me. Have you ever been through a funhouse and in one section there are a bunch of punching bags swinging back and forth, and the whole point of that room is just to piss you off by seeing how many times you get knocked down trying to traverse the veritable steely gambit of pain? Oh, good. Then you know how I feel trying to get through this room.

Whoever owns this dungeon is a real asshole, and obviously a recluse too, because if someone wasn't after hot Princess booty, they would never risk this shit to visit for tea.

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes!?

This metal monstrosity just runs around the room chasing you and shooting spitballs at your ass until you get far enough in front of it that you can turn around and throw some knives at its face. Bosses are really much more fulfilling when they insult you before they try to kill you -- this is just impolite!

No Princess, just a pretty sequined Queen. And it's Jesus.

You son of a bitch! Are you following me?! What the fuck is that second part supposed to mean? How did you get here, how did you know I was following Princess Hottie, and most importantly why the Hell did you not help me, you asshole?!

You know what, that's it. We're in a fight. Go back to your throneroom and sit in the corner until you figure out what you've done wrong.

I try to catch him to enforce this decree by holding him down and spitting on his face but sucking it back in at the last second like my older sister used to do, but he's too quick and runs up the stairs there. Upon following him, I expect to find myself in the middle of my Princess's castle, but instead...

I'm back in the fatty's Kingdom. This is the worst birthday ever.



Next time: "Make up your frigging mind, you selfish King!"